Digital Diary - DE's Edition 3

 

                            Muting the chaos

I remember being 11 and my parents getting me enrolled in the school’s basketball team. Even now when I think about it, the only thing that comes to my mind is, "Everyone is doing something in their life, you should, too." However, much like my interest in politics, my liking for sports was short-lived and not because I disliked the idea of sports but because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t be even half as good as anyone else. Growing up, I realised that this shortcoming didn’t just apply to sports but to every single thing I had done and continued to do. Singing, dancing, writing, playing the guitar and sports like basketball, hockey, and badminton are only but a few of the many interests that I pursued over the years. But be it studying, dancing, writing or even something as simple as communicating, I was either second best or second to last. For someone who has tried her hand at so many activities, not being good at any of them tends to haunt you in more ways than one. 

Even as I watched people's work go from abysmal to nothing less than remarkable, I realised that my life was on standby mode. In the simplest of words, it was like watching all trains leave and not being able to board a single one. There were days when I would just sit in front of a mirror and stare down at myself for hours only to find something I was good at, something sufficient enough to get me going the next day, just something I could call mine. I might have guessed that it wouldn't help so I kept trying new and vague things over and over. Every single time I watched someone excel, it wasn't envy that stopped me from being happy for them, but the mere fact that they could do something they loved so brilliantly, while I tried to fill a void that was my soul, left me more helpless than I would ever want to admit. But, it's still surprising that it took so many years and so many different activities to finally break me.

It was then that I stopped trying, started talking myself out of opportunities, and closed myself off to people. It would be safe to say that I was in hibernation for most of the year. I don't even know if my time off gave me some kind of perspective in life. But looking back on the days when I felt empty, seeing everyone else's life so full of accomplishments and purposes, that hollowness doesn't consume me anymore. I'm not stronger or wiser than I was a year ago, I'm not even better at anything than I was before, but I'd like to believe that somewhere along the way, I made peace with myself, for better or worse.

Rtr. Ria Vijaykumar

Departmental Executive