Digital Diary - Editor's Edition

  

One Step Forward

Sometimes, someone would mention a wonderful thing about their sweet sixteens, and I would pull out my hair, trying to forget the self-deprecating things I felt when I was that age.

 

Sometimes, I would look at a photo of myself from two years ago, and I would break down, remembering how I used to be the one volunteering to click pictures because I never wanted to be in one. And then I would think about hiding - so much hiding from people and crowds and events and the world.

 

Most times, I remember being scared of never changing. Of having a stagnant mindset. Of degrading myself for the rest of my life like I used to. I was scared of the life I would lead if that happened.

 

Other times, however, I think about that one time I was on stage, and even though I fumbled, people were in front of me, listening.

 

I flip my hair twice, realizing that I do not look at myself in a video call nowadays.

 

My sister pointing a camera at me, I do not hide. Instead, I pose like a dramatic Taylor Swift.

 

I catch my breath between countless interviews, and when I look at my reflection, I see someone who tries. I go through multiple papers that have my ridiculous, poetic handwriting on them, and I recite 'Wow I am growing, you know?' over and over out loud to my sister.

 

Today, I look at the ground on which I stand. It feels changed, firm, and sacred, and I have left my flip-flops outside.

 

What I am trying to say is that you can outgrow people and places for the better. And then, you will grow up. And then your mindset blooms. You will think positive things that you always kept far away from your mind, labelling them unattainable or labelling yourself undeserving.

 

What I am not saying is that there is one universal age by which you should grow up. Growing up is a process. Geographical, environmental, mental, physical, social, academic and many other changes determine how you change your mindset. You can have a shift of mindset at 11, 20, 40, or the age that you are now.

 

It is always the littlest of achievements that bring us the most astonishment. If you don't pat yourself on the back when you overcome fears like this, how do you even celebrate life? These fears feel small at the moment, but they project your entire personality for the rest of your life. So, you better take some pride in overcoming even a one-foot-long hurdle.

 

For the most part, I have overcome this fear of always being the same, that I thought would live and grow within me forever. And, you know how I celebrate it? By smiling a lot, thinking about my teensy-bit better mental health now.

 

-Rtr. Yashika Chaturvedi,
Editor