Food War II

Disclaimer: This article doesn't mean to trivialize any real-life event and does not intend to offend victims of the Holocaust, atomic bombs and the men who died in the war. Read only if you wouldn’t get easily offended.

1939-1945 was a truly remarkable period in the history of mankind. Chefs and Gourmets were making all the news as the world continued to get hungrier. Mealtime wasn't a routine dining room affair anymore. It was a full-scale war. The world was bursting with gluttony and a few men chose to take advantage.

In 1933, Adolf Hitler of Germany became a celebrity chef and threw a grand party only for Germans. It came to be known as the Nazi Party. He loved all food and drink, except the juice. He despised the juice because every time he would drink some, the glass would slip, leaving the liquid dripping from his iconic moustache. And he didn't like that. That's when he gave the order to his countrymen - kill all the juice! In a cruel and despicable act, 6 million glasses of juice were sent to concentration camps where they were crushed and evaporated to nonexistence.

Chef Hitler hadn't been able to figure out how to make two dishes - pizzas and sushi. So he contacted Connoisseur Mussolini of Italy, who agreed to teach Hitler the art behind the perfect pizza. As for the sushi, the great Japanese cooking teacher, Hirohito-sensei and his disciples agreed to help. Soon, the gastronomic cultures of these 3 nations intertwined and they came to be known as the Axis Knives.

Pretty soon, things began getting tasty. Japanese chefs took over all Chinese restaurants, replacing noodles with ramen. Hitler stated that Austrians had a similar taste as he did, so he forcibly stuffed his own dishes down the throat of the Austrians. He then did the same with Poland.

France and Great Britain became really insecure. As they had already developed a mutual respect for each others taste buds, they joined tables and created the Allied Forks. Winston Churchill becomes head chef of the British Epicurean League.

Hitler propagated a new style of eating - Blitzkrieg - instructing his customers to rapidly gobble down all that he served.  Connoisseur Mussolini fueled Chef Hitler's supplies with his homemade Olive Oil and Oregano supplements. Germany launched an air attack on Great Britain. Pretzels and sausages fall from the skies above London. Hitler then attacked Russia with a huge force of over four million chefs.  

The Japanese attacked a US restaurant in Pearl Harbor. The next day the US entered Food War II, feeling confident that the young Chef McDonald would lead the charge.  Allied Forks destroyed all German restaurants in France, thus reviving gourmet French cuisine. Connoisseur Mussolini surrendered. Chef McDonald named his new masterpiece 'French Fries' in honour of this victory. McDonald spread his Hamburgers throughout Germany. The hamburger was originally Hitler's idea and was even named after the German city of Hamburg, but his people were enjoying the American version. This insulted him so much that he tore his cooking hat and retired, forcing Germany to surrender.

Then dessert was served. The US dropped the 'Giant Atomic Donut' on the Japanese cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, it's overwhelming taste forcing the Japanese to surrender. Food War 2 had ended. The Forks had won over the Knives. And the world has eaten peacefully ever since.

-Rtr Aman Vasavada

Rotaract Club of NM College