Digital Diary - Edition 7

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The Tunnel Ends

Where is the line between hoping for the best for someone and expecting them to achieve it? I'm not saying it's wrong to expect things. We're humans, it's natural for us to expect things from one another. What's wrong is to put your expectations on someone else because you want them to achieve them. I know those people want the best for me, but where is the line between hoping that I do my best and expecting it out of me every single time?

When setting goals, if one takes into account every person's needs from them, the pressure would be endless. It would be like fighting a constant battle against the voices in your head to do better so that you are never satisfied with what you have already accomplished. Doing exactly that made me wish I could rip my hair out. Leave my very being and just stop. I often thought if I have to see my life as a movie what would I see? What parts would I put? When I turn old and frail would I be proud of the life I have lived or be filled with regrets?

I felt so tired of this constant cycle and that's when I realised that maybe I should put myself first. At some point, it just clicked, that someone will always have some expectations of me at any given time. Even if it wasn't outrightly said anymore it was implied in everything I did. So if at no point in life was I going to be free, how much time would I waste worrying over them? It wasn't easy, trying to break out of the cycle of these expectations, trying to measure my worth by them, but I tried the hardest I could. I wouldn't say I've succeeded fully but the thought of expectations doesn't overwhelm me as much as it used to, so I consider it a win. If I could tell my younger self something, I'd like to tell her, "Don't worry so much about never being able to make it to the other side of the endless dark tunnel, because you did. It might have taken a very long time, but you survived it."

- Rtr. Zainab Degani
  Departmental Executive
  2022-23

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