Digital Diary - DE's Edition 3

 

A Long Way To Go

Having made peace with myself, I began to accept the fact that no matter what I did and how I did it, I would always rank somewhere in the middle. There were days when I'd get compliments for my otherwise mediocre performances. One would think it was a sign that my work had improved but the only thing I could see was pity in the eyes of people who wished for nothing but success and growth in my life, which even today seems like a long shot. More often than not, I'd pay no heed to their compliments because being appreciated for something you know you're absolutely no good at, makes you feel more worthless than you would care to admit. 

There was a time when I would crack a joke or two after they'd praised me. And somehow, that became my whole life, mocking myself every step of the way. Saying it helped me to cope with the frustration of not being good enough, would be an outright lie. Using self-deprecating humour was nothing but a defence mechanism to hide my insecurities and not address the real problems. Almost every conversation I had was filled with so much self-inflicted hatred that at some point, people around me also started believing it was true. In more ways than one, it tore me down. It wasn't just words anymore, but it built an image of myself that I loathed more than anything. Instead of dealing with failure and embracing my emotions, I'd resort to humour in an attempt to avoid dealing with the problems at hand. These were the days when humour helped me. I wouldn't feel so bad about myself and also made a few people around me laugh. It seemed normal and even healthy to have a sense of humour. But there were also days when these comments impulsively resulted in me forming an opinion of myself that most certainly wasn't positive. Constantly joking about my shortcomings and portraying myself as a failure, led me to subconsciously believe them, even if I originally meant it in a joking manner.

It began to dawn on me that I wasn't hurting anyone but myself. Somewhere along the way, I had made it so easy to constantly joke about my flaws that instead of working on them, I had started to live with them. I thought it was a shield to conceal my insecurities but over time it only made me weak and fragile. Consistently tearing myself down just didn't seem worth it anymore. I started working on the things I liked and took every single criticism constructively, especially my own. Humour to me now is nothing but healthy and enjoyable. There is still a long way to go as at times I seek that shield, the one that protected me but also managed to rip me apart. But I've come a long way and to turn back now, isn't even an option anymore.

Rtr. Ria Vijaykumar

Departmental Executive