Lights. Camera. RCNM.

  The calm after the turbulence  I didn’t realize when I started referring to myself as her and at some point, I became separate from her. Disassociation is what it is called, meaning to detach or disconnect from something. Now a coping mechanism, it also helps me remember how far I have come. It’s a very normal thing people go through when sometimes they switch into autopilot mode. I think we all look back to the time when we were emotionally unstable, usually during late school years before we started to understand ourselves and what we were looking for. And in my opinion, it is absolutely necessary to go through this period of chaos to find the difference between black and white while we figure out our lives.  As we grow up, we unintentionally start saying or expressing our feelings to people, but the problem arises when many a time they come out in the wrong way. Misdirected anger, non-stop crying, toxic sarcasm, and hate-instigating conversations are the result of su...

  Her Emotional Turbulence It always starts with the little things like your leg twitching continuously or seeming to rush into things without patience or getting those butterflies in your stomach over every little thing. For me it was the feeling of unease and nausea whenever I had to do something I was not prepared for, it could be the smallest of tasks imaginable and I would still find it hard to process it let alone complete it. The thoughts of self-doubts creeping on me, step by step, making my confidence go down. At that time, 13- or 14-year-old Krinal didn’t know what suppressed emotions are, she didn’t know there was a healthy way to express these emotions because nobody taught her to. Nobody told her that these negative emotions are not her being a terrible person and this was okay, but only if they were dealt with appropriately. Now, I had two choices since I matured enough to understand, they were to either blame someone or get over it and start doing better. So, I would...

  In her Space... Continued… Scene 2: Take 2 – The protagonist finds a new friend I always stand by the fact that you need friends to party with at your success but even more to turn towards when you don’t really feel like the best version of yourself. I had successfully put my guard up by deciding not to care about what prejudices and expectations people had about me and by choosing to lend a deaf ear to these people. But who was fooling? What was I… a robot? Nobody can just turn off the emotions and stop caring in the blink of an eye now, can we? So, I had to somehow channelize all of the bottled-up mixed emotions somewhere. I couldn’t talk to my family because of course the brown household things, right? As sweet as my parents have been they also had far more expectations and criticisms stored for me than they ever told me and so I never expected them to understand the place where I was coming from. And then there was Covid obviously  I couldn’t show up at a friend’s place ...

  Taking on the Reins Scene 1 Take 2: The one where the protagonist showed a different side of herself. You know why I said that because until a few months ago, I felt that my life was like any other riveting Bollywood movie and I was the protagonist of it, who acted on everybody else's terms but her own.  I am the kind of person who's always sporting an ear-to-ear smile goofing around in a childish manner because that's what I have been doing throughout the course of my "film". I wasn't allowed to cry I wasn't allowed to be stressed because of what everybody else thought of me. This bundle of hidden emotions that I secretly bottled up in my head every night, coerced me to pull my hair out. Because  "Oh you are a smart girl you must score a 95%" "Oh you are a good student you aren't supposed to hang out with those brats". My entire personality was overshadowed by my academic performance. At times, when I didn't fair well in my t...

    One Step Forward Sometimes, someone would mention a wonderful thing about their sweet sixteens, and I would pull out my hair, trying to forget the self-deprecating things I felt when I was that age.   Sometimes, I would look at a photo of myself from two years ago, and I would break down, remembering how I used to be the one volunteering to click pictures because I never wanted to be in one. And then I would think about hiding - so much hiding from people and crowds and events and the world.   Most times, I remember being scared of never changing. Of having a stagnant mindset. Of degrading myself for the rest of my life like I used to. I was scared of the life I would lead if that happened.   Other times, however, I think about that one time I was on stage, and even though I fumbled, people were in front of me, listening.   I flip my hair twice, realizing that I do not look at myself in a video call nowadays.   My sister point...

  How I Found My Calling "I cannot let the fear of the past colour my future." - Julie Kagawa Until two months ago, my brain would doze off every morning as soon as I woke up. It sounds so normal, doesn't it? Happens to the best of us as we transition from school to college, you'd tell me. But it's most probably happening to you because you aren't getting enough sleep or are too lazy to wake up at 6 a.m. Every. Damn. Morning. Even on sacred Saturdays that we reserve for a long nap.  My point is that you know, you probably find it easy. You are so sure that you would understand a difficult topic if you search for it well enough. That you can watch reference videos and absorb it all in a jiffy. But, until two months ago, I was afraid of waking up every day, feeling stupid in a crowd of the smartest brains. I was afraid of zoning out five minutes after waking up. I was afraid of having to see some numerical figures crammed up on my laptop screen and never knowing...

  “Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Nobody likes to say goodbye. It’s exceedingly painful to bid adieu to something you don’t want to leave. They’re considered to be a sad and heartbreaking experience but they don’t have to be. Goodbyes are a cathartic exercise in interpersonal relationships which gives closure to the human mind, something which it greatly values. What makes it so difficult is confronting the fact something which we thought was permanent, simply isn’t. It forces us to come out of our bubble and wander into the unknown. When we bid goodbye to someone, we are also acknowledging their impact in our lives and how they’ve made us better. Human beings are creatures of habit, we don’t like change. A lot of people avoid saying goodbyes to even the people they love the most for the sole reason that it opens an entire pandora of emotions. We feel so much because a part of ourselves is being left behind as well. It...